How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk

Trying to have a meaningful conversation with your teenager can be like talking to a brick wall. Granted not all teens are like this, and while most can be, take heart – help is here! Effective communication with your teenager takes time, patience, understanding, and above all active listening. We’ll go over active listening, a few do’s and don’ts of effective communication, how to get what you (and your teen) want out of a conversation, and how to get your teen to open up to you. Finally, a list of additional reading can be found at the end of this article, all of which can be found at the Windsor Public Library.

Active Listening
Learning how to be an active listener is one of the most useful skills you can develop as a parent. A large part of being an effective communicator is your ability to not just listen to what your child is saying but actually hear what they are telling you. Sometimes teens just want their parents to listen to them without offering advice – the less you offer advice, the more they will ask for it.

Active listening by definition is when you focus only on listening to the speaker. Some key tips for active listening include:

• Giving your teen your full attention
• Maintaining eye contact
• Concentrate on what your teen is saying
• Nod your head occasionally to show your involvement without interrupting
• Don’t change the subject – let your teen lead the conversation
• Do more listening than talking

Active listening will give you an opportunity to find out what’s important to your child and what they’re feeling. Knowing what your child is feeling will better help you to respond to him/her in a more helpful way.

For More Information:
More about Active Listening can be found in the book Teen Tips – A Practical Survival Guide for Parents With Kids 11 – 19 Author: Tom McMahon.

Do’s and Don’ts for Effective Communication With Your Kids

You’ve probably tried talking to your kid about something only to have them tune you out. Teens are finicky people who are on the cusp between being a child and becoming an adult. They desire love and respect and the more you speak down to them the more they’ll resent being treated like a child and stop trying to talk to you. The more you treat them like adults the better they will respond to you. Lecturing, nagging and criticism tend to make teens instantly stop paying attention. This is not to say you shouldn’t enforce the rules of the house or reprimand them when they have broken the rules. Involving your child in making rules and punishments will make them feel more adult and less like you’re their dictator – which will hopefully open the door to a discussion about what they think they are able to do versus what you think they are capable of.

When you tell your child they can talk to you about “anything” you’ve taken a huge step towards communication with your child. However, remember that anything should mean anything and when they tell you something that you might not want to hear (for example an activity you disapprove of), keep your cool, let them talk it out (hopefully, you’ll find out they’re not involved in the said activity – this is where active listening takes a major role), and don’t get mad or overreact. If you overreact they’ll be less likely to come to you next time. You want your child to be able to come to you. Ask them how they feel about what they’ve brought up and if they want your advice. Don’t offer unsolicited advice, especially in this instance.

Whenever your child approaches you to talk, drop what you’re doing and listen. They will hopefully learn that when things are important, that they are important enough to you that you’ll drop everything to take time to listen to their problem. This is where you can help them discover a mutually acceptable solution (providing they are trying to find a solution) or lend a compassionate ear so they know they aren’t alone. Never trivialize their problem. For example, if they are having problems with their best friend and they feel it’s important enough to tell you, then telling them it will all blow over might just make them feel worse. The best thing you can do in this instance is ask them why they are having problems with their best friend and help them come to their own conclusions about what she wants to do about it. Help her work out her own feelings and try not to offer your own advice.

Some things not to do include:

• Don’t force communication, if they don’t want to talk – try again later.
• Know when to give them space
• Don’t overreact when you hear something negative
• Don’t expect them to open up to you instantly – meaningful communication takes time to develop
• Don’t tell them something isn’t important (especially their feelings)
  Try not to lecture or nag

When and Where Does Communication Happen?

Finding a time and place to talk can be as easy as when you are in the car or before bedtime. Find a time and place where your teen is comfortable and you have time to pay complete attention to what they are saying. Sometimes just catching them after they come home after a night out, you’ll get them to open up more about where they were and what they did while they’re still fresh from the event, rather than asking the next morning. Finding out what works for you and your teen will take some time but is well worth the effort.

Initiating the conversation might prove to be one of the more difficult tasks. You want to start with something easy and non-threatening but will offer the opportunity for discussion. Asking them how their day was, and what they did might be a good starting point. Ask them questions that require more than a one word answer. Take your time and don't give up. It will probably take a few tries before you and your teen have a meaningful conversation, especially if you've never had one before. Patience and persistence is extremely important, and can be very rewarding.

The Teen Health Centre offers a course for parents that you might find beneficial if you're having trouble with your teen. Contact THC for more information.

Resources and Additional Reading

Teen Tips - A Practical Survival Guide For Parents With Kids 11 - 19
by Tom McMahon

Talking, Listening, Connecting ... With Your Kids
by Paul M. Rosen

Ten Most Troublesome Teen-age Problems And How To Solve Them
by Lawrence Bauman