Guilt and Shame are closely connected emotions, we tend to feel guilty when we have violated rules or not lived up to expectations and standards that we set for ourselves. If we believe that we “should” have behaved differently or we “ought” to have done better, we likely feel guilty. Shame involves the sense that we have done something wrong that means we are “flawed,” “no good,” “inadequate,” or “bad” and is usually connected to the reactions of others. Anytime you catch yourself thinking “if they knew ______ then they would not like me or would think less of me,” you are feeling shameful. Shame can involve family secrets involving other family members as well as around issues like alcoholism, abuse, abortion, bankruptcy, unemployment, etc…

Overcoming guilt and shame does not mean not caring about your actions. It involves taking responsibility for what you did and coming to terms with it. There are 5 steps:

1. Assess the seriousness of the action: frequently guilt and shame means that you are living your life in a way that violates your principles or that you are judging too many small actions as serious. Questions to consider:
   Do other people consider this to be as serious as I do? Do some people consider it less serious? Why?
   How serious would I consider the experience if my best friend was responsible instead of me?
   How important will this experience seem in one month? One year? Five years?
   How serious would I consider this to be if someone had done this to me?
   Did I know ahead of time the meaning or consequences of my actions (or thoughts)?
   Can the damage be corrected? How long will this take?
   Was there an even worse action I considered and avoided?
   
   

2. Weigh your personal responsibility. How much of the violation was your sole personal responsibility? List all the people and aspects of a situation that contributed to an event about which you feel guilty or ashamed. Include your self last. Assign percentages as to who was responsible.
   
   

3. Break the silence. When secretiveness surrounds shame, it may be important to talk to a trusted person about what occurred. The need to keep silent is often based on the anticipation that revealing the secret will result in condemnation, criticism or rejection by others. Often the fear of how people will react is much different from how people really react and can force reassessment of the situation. Make sure you choose someone you trust and allow yourself enough time to say everything you need to and receive feedback.
   
   

4. Self-forgiveness. Being a good person does not mean that you will never do any bad things. Part of being human is making mistakes. Self-forgiveness may involve changing your thought from, “I made this mistake and I am an awful person,” to “I made this mistake during an awful time in my life when I didn’t care if I behaved this way” or from “I was abused because I deserved it” to “I was abused because my parents were out-of-control.” Self-forgiveness involves recognizing your imperfections and mistakes and accepting yourself, shortcomings and all.
   
   

5. Making reparations. If you have injured another person, it is important to make amends for your actions. This involves recognizing your transgression, being courageous enough to face the person you have hurt, ask for forgiveness and determining what you can do to repair the hurt you have caused and to avoid such difficulties in the future.
   

For help with feelings of guilt and shame 
contact the Teen Health Centre at 253-8481
and ask to speak to a counsellor