Dos and Don'ts

What should I do if a friend is suicidal?

• Always take them seriously. Suicide is not something that people generally joke about if they have not considered it an option. They may tell you that they won’t follow through with it, which may be true, but the feelings that led to those thoughts still need to be dealt with.

• Be open and up front. Don’t dance around the subject, use words like “suicide” and “kill yourself” in the conversation rather than less powerful phrases like “hurt yourself”. This tells the person that you are willing to talk about it openly.

• Check for a plan. Ask them if they have a plan. Have they taken steps to arrange to kill themselves, like getting a weapon? Have they chosen when to do it?

• If the means of committing suicide are present, get rid of them. Check for knives, pills, car keys, guns, rope etc…

• Get help. This is one secret you cannot keep. Get help from an adult (counsellor, teacher, parent, clergy, etc.).

• Try to get them to make a no suicide contract. Ask them to promise not to kill themselves today or until you talk to someone or whatever you can get them to agree to. You can also ask them to call someone before they attempt but give them several options because an answering machine or a busy signal could be considered just the omen they need to go through with it. Most people will keep their promises or else won’t make them if they can’t keep them.

What shouldn’t I do if a friend is suicidal?

• Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Death in general is not a topic that people like to talk about and the thought of killing yourself is even less acceptable. Many people feel “crazy” or embarrassed that they are considering suicide. It is attitudes like that that prevent people from seeking support from family and friends or professional help.

• Don’t worry that talking about it will make them kill themselves. By that point it may be the only thing that can keep them alive.

• Don’t try to point out the positives. Offering advice like, “Think about how good you really have it “ or ”You should appreciate how lucky you are” will only make them feel more guilty, worthless and hopeless.

• Don’t ask them to come up with reasons to live. When things are that “black” they may not be able to see any reasons why they should not kill themselves. We know that there are things to live for from vacation to graduation, to the birth of a niece or nephew, but these are not important to the person right now. Wait until later to discuss them.

• Don’t agree to keep this a secret. Many people who are suicidal have given up hope and their judgment is impaired. They can no longer make healthy decisions and need your help; that’s why they told you. Most people would rather have their friend be alive and angry for breaking their trust, than to have them dead. Chances are they will thank you for it later.

• Don’t try to be the hero. Don’t try to rescue them all by yourself. Don’t try to be responsible for them. Get help.

• Don’t leave them alone. If they are acutely suicidal stay with them until other help arrives.

• Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong. This may just make them feel more guilty and worthless.

• Don’t take their feelings lightly. Don’t say everything will be all right or that tomorrow will be a better day. You don’t know that. All you can do is offer to help. If you offer, make sure that you mean it!

• Don’t change the subject. That will indicate that you do not want to talk about suicide and their feelings.