Teen Development

From TeenHealthCentre.com

+ Just For Parents
Teen Development
By By Tessa Mancini
Feb 28, 2006, 12:41

Encouraging vs. Discouraging

Think back to encouraging / discouraging things your parents said that had a lasting impression on you.

• What parents say and do can have an enormous effect on their teens.

Four Ways We Sometimes Discourage

1. Focusing on mistakes and weaknesses

If a parent spends more time pointing out your faults than your strengths, you may come to believe there is much more wrong with you than right. A teen will begin to feel that improvement is impossible.

2. Expecting the worst or too little

If you don’t believe in your teen's abilities, your teen probably won’t believe in them either.
If you expect the worst from your teen, he will probably do just what you fear.

3. Expecting too much

If you expect more from your teen than she is able to give, she may gradually stop trying. She may begin to feel that no matter what she does, she will never satisfy you. As well, some teens become perfectionists in a futile attempt to please their parents.

4. Overprotecting and pampering

If you are preventing your teen from taking even reasonable risks, he may begin to feel that he can’t things for himself. He may become extremely dependent on you, or may rebel and take reckless risks to show that you can’t run his life.

Turning Discouragement Into Encouragement

Fortunately, each of the four ways we often discourage teens can be turned around and become ways to encourage them.

• Hand out – “Turning Discouragement Into Encouragement

Don’t Do

1. Focus on mistakes and weaknesses 1. Build on strengths.

2. Expect the worst or too little. 2. Show confidence.

3. Expect too much. 3. Value the teen as is.

4. Over protect and pamper. 4. Stimulate independence.

Encouragement

1. Build on strengths.

If you want a teen to do better, find something you like about her. When we focus on a teen’s strengths rather than her weaknesses, she feels encouraged to build more strengths.

a. Acknowledge what they do well.
- notice what your teen already does well and comment on this when you see it

b. Encourage the teen to take the next step.
- a word of encouragement can help motivate teens to keep trying

c. Concentrate on improvement, not the end result.
- any movement in a desired direction is worth acknowledging

2. Show confidence

Teens develop self – esteem and courage by learning how to handle problems and develop skills.

a. Give Responsibility
- a non-verbal way of showing confidence. Keep in mind your teen’s age and level of ability.

b. Ask your teen’s opinion or advice
- be careful to avoid turning your teen into a ‘best friend’.

c. Avoid unnecessary rescues.
- with parent’s support, sometimes your teen can solve problems on her own.

3. Value the teen as is

Like most people, teens want to be accepted for who they are, not just for what they have accomplished. Teens need to know that win or lose, pass or fail, in or out of trouble, we are still their parents, and we are glad of it. *Unconditional love.

a. Separate the deed from the doer.
- When your teen behaves positively or negatively, focus your attention on the behaviour, not the teen

b. Appreciate your teen’s uniqueness.
- Show an interest in your teen’s activities

4. Stimulate independence

“Dependence breeds hostility”. Teens work hard to break away from their parents and become independent adults.

a. Allow your teen to take reasonable risks.
- Give your teen freedom within limits you feel are reasonable.

b. Help your teen develop a sense of independence.

Family Activity
Class Work – “Stimulate Independence” Worksheet

Think of the things you are doing for your teen that she could be doing for herself (e.g. Making her bed, picking up her clothes, etc.).

How could you approach your teen to do these things as a way of gaining independence instead of being punished?

-Try Completing the Stimulate Independence handout with your family and putting these new practices for the week. Discuss successes and areas in need of improvement as a family

STIMULATE INDEPENDENCE

Think of things you are doing for your teen that he/she could be doing his/herself (for example, making the bed, picking up clothes, and paying for personal items). Make a list below.

1._________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

2._________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

3._________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

4._________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

5._________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Now turn these items over to your teen. Be sure to hand it to them in a polite, encouraging way so your teen feels like he/she is gaining some independence instead of being punished.

Example:

“From now on, Dennis, I want to hand over the responsibility of picking up your clothes to you. I know you can handle it!”

Afterwards, record how it went.

What did you like about what happened? __________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

What can you do to improve things next time? __________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________